Joann Mary Ives
|
Siblings  |
|
Given by her siblings, Judith Ives Barba, Janet Ives Angelis, Virginia Ives Bishop, Jonathon Edward Ives, and Jeffrey Raoul Ives, at Joann's funeral service on December 27, 1999, at St. John's Episcopal Church, Kingston, New York.
Judy: Of Grace and Gifts. We gather today to celebrate Joann's life and to mourn her death. We, her siblings, wish to share with you some of our memories of her forty-four years as our sister -- memories of a life lived with grace and beauty; a life lived fully, nobly, graciously -- and of a sister who gave so much to others, including ourselves.
Ginny: Joann joined our family on June 8, 1955. For me she was the perfect gift for an eight-year-old sister: a real live doll! But she didn't have any hair! She spent her first 18 months of life as she ended it: bald and beautiful!
Janet: We always admired the spunk of this baby sister, but even we were awestruck by the determination and gracefulness with which she handled the illness that has taken her from us.
None of us ever heard her complain or rail against the unfairness of it all! I have never seen anyone handle such a grim situation so gracefully. Yet she was not passive about it -- with Jim, she learned all that she could about her type of cancer and her options for treatment. And with her customary thoroughness, she planned her attack and fought to win.
Jon: She dug deep to try to find the cause of her illness, and then tried to correct any life habits that may have contributed to it: She changed her diet, reduced stress, laughed more, and mellowed out.
Ginny: as much as Joann could mellow out. In the midst of her latest medical crisis, she explained to me that her battle with terminal illness gave her a unique opportunity to learn what is important in life.
Jeff: And that is how she lived the last year and a half of her life -- focused on what is important. She taught us all to appreciate the small things, to slow down, to live in the present, and to enjoy life to the fullest.
Jon: Joann was considerate of others. She made sure she personally told each of us about her diagnosis and prognosis, and she customized her messages -- she sensed just how and what to tell each person, based on the individual's needs more than on her own.
Ginny: She took an interest in every caregiver in the hospital -- and, as sick as she was, remembered those names and faces and lives when they stopped to visit months later. This concern for others extended to those who came to the house to care for Larissa or do household chores -- Joann would delay a nap in order to greet them at the door.
Jon: On one of my last visits with her, she was awake for only a few minutes, but in those minutes, she immediately sensed my sadness (a good friend of mine had just died) and asked me about it.
Janet: She used her insight to help us understand and accept each other -- sometimes serving as a weaver, a bridge builder between us.
Ginny: She was a good mother from the get-go: When told she had cancer, she carefully balanced her own need for treatment with her unborn daughter's need for more time in utero. She willingly gave Larissa those important extra weeks.
Judy: If you wonder where she got her strength, she would tell you -- as she often told us -- that it was from our mother. She was indeed Clo's daughter and had always admired Mom's ability to find the best in the face of adversity. When asked how she was managing to endure her latest treatments she simply said, "You do what you gotta do."
Ginny: But her illness and motherhood only cap a life of grace and gifts. All of our lives are enriched by memories that extend back through her life.
Jeff: I'll never forget the honor and privilege of being asked to escort her down the aisle -- or shall I say up the stone pathway -- to marry Jim at Opus 40.
Jon: or her knowledge of and willingness to tackle anything. One time she came home from college and noticed that the roof was missing a few shingles -- so she just climbed on up and replaced them.
Jeff: and she knew how to repair the engine on her cranky old BMW, too.
Janet: or her sense of adventure. She graciously agreed to squeeze two more passengers (my son and myself) into her little Toyoto when we asked if we could join her and another nephew on a trip to Florida. And what an adventure it was: The boys reminded me last night of how in Atlanta, in her attempt to go down Peachtree Street without stopping, she ran 6 orange lights -- and 2 red ones.
Judy: or her love of Christmas. It was her favorite time of year. She loved creating the perfect gift, whether it was Christmas cookies, or picking raspberries and making jam, or designing and executing another clever kitchen item or Hot Mitt. This year was no exception: she ordered gifts from her hospital room less than two weeks ago.
Jeff: or her generosity with her nieces and nephews: She always had interesting and creative gifts for my son, her godson – for example, she made a collage of his initials, framed them, and presented them as his christening gift.
Ginny: or her spirit of playfulness: Saying that she wanted to start a new fashion trend for baldies, last Christmas she asked a nephew to paint her scalp.
Janet: She has also given us a model:
of how to face challenges and how to find the best in each person,
Ginny: of how to know yourself, and the importance of love,
Jeff: of how to appreciate good food, good music, creative design, and the beauty of flowers.
Jon: She showed us the rewards of accepting others, including those with different customs, traditions, and beliefs
Jeff: and of how to be light in spirit in the face of adversity.
Judy: The image of her smile will always stay with us, and her spirit lives on -- not only in the rich memories we all hold, but also in Larissa.
|
|
A prayer offered by Daphne Porter and read by Ed Shaughnessy at Joann's
funeral service. Daphne is a caregiver at Albany Medical Center Hospital. We met her during Joann's hospital stay in the summer of 1998.
Lord, may I touch with soft caress a soul who seeks your tenderness. |
|
Given by her dear friend, Ronald Webster, at Joann's funeral service on December 27, 1999, at St. John's Episcopal Church, Kingston, New York. Ron and Joann have a special understanding of each other.
We all gathered here today to celebrate the life of a woman we all loved.
Joann was a very easy woman to love. She was beautiful. She was talented. She was
sexy. She was intelligent, loving and caring.
One of the many qualities Joann had which I loved was her appreciation of nuances. Whether in a garden, in music, in architecture or in people, Joann was attracted to the subtle.
I think one of the reasons her relationships with people were so special was because she saw some quality in people others over looked. Many of us feel that our best audience has gone home, leaving us alone on the stage, waiting for the sound of her laughter and applause.
Joann found happiness later than most, but better than most. As interesting as Jim and
Joann were individually, together they were a very special couple.
Never was the nurturing and loving nature of their relationship more apparent than in their battle together - First, to protect and deliver their baby, and then to fight together to keep this disease at bay.
Each of us has a special memory of Joann. Mine is of her at her wedding day at Opus 40. A wooden screen door swings open, and into the sunlight steps this magical creature. Dressed in an ivory sheath, she flips her fabulous blonde hair; gives us her wondrous smile, and momentarily makes every man there, jealous of Jim.
These special memories are very important now. In a way Joann has made us the keeper of the flame. We have to keep these memories; shiny and bright so we can pass them on to Larissa. This way Joann will live in her daughter's heart and mind as she does in ours.
|
|
Given by her husband, James F. Shaughnessy, Jr., at Joann's funeral service on December 27, 1999, at St. John's Episcopal Church, Kingston, New York. Joann and Jim shared life for a little more than five years.
Thank you for being here to share in our grieving of Joann's death. A number
of people have said to me how hard it must be for it to happen at this time
of year. And I say - No it would be hard at any time of year, and Christmas
is a time when one has to celebrate and participate in life. And I think we
are all here also to celebrate Joann's life, acknowledge her accomplishments,
and reflect on what we can learn from her experiences and example.
What impressed me most about Joann was her absolute determination to excel.
She strove that whatever she did was the best she could do. And it was
sometimes difficult to walk the same path as her partner, because she
expected the same of me. It was also very rewarding.
It was when she was diagnosed with lung cancer in the middle of her pregnancy
that her talents and tenacity and tenderness led to her greatest
accomplishments. She was in a situation where few people have ever been, and
where there was little outlook for success. There was no "way of doing
things" or rules that had to be followed. She had to gather information and
make decisions, and she did that extraordinarily well. She never lost her
equanimity, she never lost her determination, and she never lost her smile.
She was with us for another eighteen months, and she left us Larissa, a
beautiful little girl.
I am proud to have been your partner, Joann. I learn from you still. I will
miss you.
We asked people to pray for Joann during her illness, and many, many people
did. I think she is now in a place where we can pray to her instead of for
her.
I love you, Joann.
|
|
Dr. Marla Eglowstein cared for Joann during the hospital portion of her pregnancy and delivered Larissa by C-section. These word were written to Joann in mid-December, 1999. They were meant to be delivered at an early New Year's Eve party which Marla organized with the help of her daughter Davi. Joann was not feeling well enough to attend, and the message was sent by email. Joann was very moved when she read it. Marla sat vigil with us in the days and nights before Joann's death.
Dear Joann, I skipped most of my planned speech for fear of being mushy, pompous, or geeky...didn't want to offend or upset anyone...so just between us girls, I want you to know how much I admire your courage and strengh. Having you for a friend has taught me so much about making sure to smell the roses and remember the truest priorities everyone should have. I have also learned even more about what doctors do and don't really know. (Needed that!) Larissa is so blessed to have you for a Mom...you will always be a strong presence in her life--Jim and everyone will see to that. She is a very lovely and spirited girl! I sense that you will know when to keep on fighting and when to step out of this battle. You did seem to, last year. I think that everyone will support you, though they will wish for more miracles. I continue to pray for your comfort and your peace of mind as you travel this difficult path. I wish you more time for laughter with Jim and Larissa, heart-to-hearts with your sisters, and watermelon with your friends. And when that time comes that you must let go, I wish for your serenity. I will keep on coming to see you, if it isn't too tiring for you. If you want special jello, or anything, just say so. If you think I can help you sort out your issues, I'll surely try. Much love and hugs, and I'll see you soon.
Friends forever, |
|
Written by her friend, Robert Starbuck, with whose family Joann and Jim spent several delightful Thanksgiving holidays on Nantucket Island.
I wish you could really receive this, but it helps to write anyway, so in that sense you are still providing comfort to us. We love you so much Joann. And we will miss you. Yesterday was very difficult. If you had not been such a fighter, lover, and friend, or if you had been frail and seriously ill for a long time, accepting your passing would have been easier. You are still and will always be an inspiration to us all. How the world turns. You and Jim had said that Susan and I helped you realize how to cope with your illness. Well, you and Jim have far outdone anything that we did. Susan and I did what we needed to do. You did that, but you also refused to accept your illness, unselfishly gave of yourself for the benefit of your unborn daughter, and the love and caring you gave to everyone brightened our days over the last 1 ½ years. Your spirit helped us overcome our fears. Your love for all of us inspired us. Your love of life should make everyone appreciate each day we have. What happened to you was unfair. You deserved to see your daughter grow, while you nurtured her with your love and caring. Larissa will realize what she is missing only in an abstract sense. She will miss the unbridled love you would have lavished upon her as you also inspired her to do her best, just as you always did. You deserved many more years with Jim. Death is unfair. But, it comes nonetheless. We all need to take your death as an inspiration to live our life to its fullest. I am going put your name on my computer. Not to remember you by, though of course it always will. I am putting it there to help me always maintain my perspective and drive to maximize each day and everything I do. We love you, Joann. But you will live on in me more than anyone I have ever known. Love forever, Bob |
|
Two messages written by Jim's cousin, Jennifer Kraus, who attended Joann's and Jim's wedding on September 10, 1994, and Joann's picnic in Washington Park, Albany, on August 1, 1998.
Jim, I would like you to publish the poem that I had sent earlier to you. I think that says a lot for this time of year. Joann was a strong woman. She had much faith and love in life. She showed how far your own courage can carry you. She is an example we all should follow. I consider myself lucky to have met her the few times I did. She always had a smile and a positive attitude. (Not to mention, we had the same pattern of pajamas!) I will forever remember her strength to fight, and the persistence and courage to never give up, and the love she had for you, Larissa and her family. She has earned respect and admiration from me for what she endured. Please know that she is in thoughts and prayers. As are you and Larissa. Be strong and know that she is in a better place, somewhere where she can take even better care of you both.
Love, Jim, I am writing this with nothing more to say that you and Larissa are on my mind. I have been thinking of you a lot lately, especially when the website was not updated for so long. I want you to know that my thoughts, my prayers, and my love are with you and the family. If you would need anything, I am here. Granted, I may be far away, but I have held you close in thoughts. Please know that God is with you now. I received this poem today and wanted to pass this on to you and all: My First Christmas In HeavenThis poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his mom before he died. His name was Ben. I thought that this message is what Joann would send to all of you. Please, take care and know that you are loved.
With Sympathy, |
|
Joann and Jim spent a week in Verona, Italy, in September, 1997, to attend the wedding of Elena Valussi to Ed Shaughnessy. We had looked forward to returning often to this beautiful city.
We are close to Jim and Larissa for the premature departure of dear Joann. We have met and known Joann only for a few days and we remember of her the sweetness and the tender smile. We have followed her from afar with constancy and trepidation during her distressing illness, which she faced with incredible braveness and strength. A big hug to Jim and Larissa and to the whole Shaughnessy-Ives family from us Marco and Barbara, Paolo and Fanny, Giovanna and Sergio |
|
We also spent a Chicago weekend in October, 1999, with Elena's mother Chiaro Bitassi and her dear friend Aldolfo Fiorio.
We remember Joann's smile in a beautiful sunny day in Chicago. We were all together with Elena, Ed, Giulia, Jim and Larissa; the atmosfere was serene and full of affection. We want to remember her like that. Back home, in Montorio, the tubular bells she gave us a few years ago, when the wind blows, bring back her smile and her voice. Chiara and Adolfo |
|
from Elena's maternal grandmother
Nonna Lisetta and her family remember Joann with affection. They keep always Jim and Larissa in their thoughts. |
|
Jim came upon Joann's first grade report card from Hanover School in Meriden, Connecticut. For the final grading period ending in June, 1962, her teacher, Mrs. Belcourt, wrote the following evaluation.
Joann has been a joy to teach throughout the year. She wanted all her work to be perfect & always did her very best. She is most co-operative and willing to help. I enjoyed having her & I'm sure she'll do well every year. Mrs. N. Belcourt |