Joann’s sister Ginny Ives-Bishop visited her on December 9, 1999, and spent the day at the hospital.  That evening at dinner in the cafeteria, she related to Jim some of her conversation with Joann.  Jim asked Ginny, after Joann’s death, if she could put that recollection in writing, and she graciously did.  Jim asked Ginny, in early 2001, if he could put it on Joann’s web site. She agreed, and here it is.  Thank you, Ginny.

 

 

2/1/00

 

Dear Jim,

 

Enclosed are the thoughts that Joann shared with me on Thursday, 12/9.  I had made a few notes, yet found difficult to get into the right emotional space to deal with it.  I apologize for the delay.  I hope it is helpful to you as you process all of the memories, thoughts and feelings that you are dealing with. 

We think of you and Larissa often – I hope you sense the positive thoughts that we send your way. 

We are looking forward to seeing you on the 18th of Feb. Would you like to stay over that night?  We would love to have you.  As well as any other family members who would like to delay the return drive until Sat.  I will send directions to the chapel.  Enjoy your visit with your mother, and please say hello from us.

 

Love, Ginny and Ben

 

A CONVERSATION WITH JOANN
December 9,1999

 

Joann was feeling comfortable, after having a pain-ridden afternoon the previous day.  She was lucid, and a little mellow now that she was taking pain medication that had round the clock coverage.  Her spirits were quite good as she began speaking about the wonderful qualities she found so admirable in her husband Jim.  The summation was "he is such a romantic", said in a very endearing way with her big grin.  She added: "I place my trust totally in Jim."

 

Joann went on to share that she had found this struggle with cancer to be an opportunity to learn what is really important in life.  She compared it to stories and books she had read about other people who had developed similar philosophies as they also battled to recover from devastating or terminal illnesses.  One story was about a man who compared his illness to a bag of gold … because the threat of death from his illness had given him the chance to see what really mattered in this life.  She was very clear that love is the most important aspect of life.  She had concluded that the purpose of her life was to love Jim.  Looking back, I believe that she did many things over that 18 months that show she was doing all she could to ease his transition into life without her.

 

Her philosophy was very similar to that of Morrie Schwartz, the professor in Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom.  She had read this popular book and hoped that Jim would watch the movie with her if I could get a copy of it.  It was a made for TV movie, with Jack Lemmon playing Morrie. (I believe I can get a copy from one of the nurses with whom I work.)

 

She spoke also about a few of the things that she still wanted to do -- one being to write a book - Dancing with Life and Death.  When I suggested getting started and using a tape recorder, she did indicate that she had started, I believe on paper; and that she had the concept in her mind.

 

She spoke a bit about end of life issues of self-determination.  She trusted Jim as her Health Care Agent.  Yet she wanted to spare him the "burden" of making those decisions.  She laid out a plan to hold a meeting with Dr. Grund, Dr. Eglowstein, and Sister Lucille.  The purpose was to give herself the opportunity to hear their varied opinions on questions she would raise.  I encouraged her to just give the word and we could ask for this to happen - she did not pick up on this offer.  I do believe that Joann knew the seriousness of her prognosis, but still believed that she would have some time to accomplish a few more things; and especially (as she had stated to me the morning that she was admitted to AMC for the radiation therapy), to leave Larissa at a later time, when Larissa would remember her more definitively.

 

She spoke about a woman who succumbed to cancer after a brief illness, even though the statistics gave her a 95% chance of long-term survival.  She felt that the difference between that woman and herself (having beat the statistics so far), was her belief that she could overcome it.  She added two asides after that statement: "I know that might not happen",... "And I can accept that" - with that comment her mouth turned down and she seemed at the edge of crying.  But she kept her composure.  She then reminded me that most people in our age bracket do not get time to anticipate their death and contemplate their philosophy of life, as they often die suddenly and unexpectedly.

 

Facing this illness with such optimism and courage was something she had learned from our mother.  Joann said, "I saw her going forward in the face of adversity; and I learned from her that you 'do what you gotta do'." She inquired about how often I think of Mom now that a few years have gone by since Mom's death. . She said that in her thoughts directed to Mom she let her know that "I'm OK".  She wished that Mom had had a chance to know Jim and to enjoy Larissa.

 

In the afternoon of the same day, I tried to pick up the conversation again.  I wanted to know more about what is really important in her viewpoint.  She started a list - "Loving Jim, love for Larissa.”  She then took it into a more practical dimension with, "food, meal planning, organizing, so that I can manage things better ... I've been lax about this, that,” etc.  She was in a less contemplative state and also fatigued from the activities of the day.

 

I treasure the time I had with Joann, and especially this gift of sharing some of her philosophy of life with me.

 

Ginny