Joann’s
sister Ginny Ives-Bishop visited her on December 9, 1999, and spent the day at
the hospital. That evening at dinner in
the cafeteria, she related to Jim some of her conversation with Joann. Jim asked Ginny, after Joann’s death, if she
could put that recollection in writing, and she graciously did. Jim asked Ginny, in early 2001, if he could
put it on Joann’s web site. She agreed, and here it is. Thank you, Ginny. |
2/1/00 Dear
Jim, Enclosed
are the thoughts that Joann shared with me on Thursday, 12/9. I had made a few notes, yet found difficult
to get into the right emotional space to deal with it. I apologize for the delay. I hope it is helpful to you as you process
all of the memories, thoughts and feelings that you are dealing with. We
think of you and Larissa often – I hope you sense the positive thoughts that we
send your way. We
are looking forward to seeing you on the 18th of Feb. Would you like
to stay over that night? We would love
to have you. As well as any other
family members who would like to delay the return drive until Sat. I will send directions to the chapel. Enjoy your visit with your mother, and
please say hello from us. Love,
Ginny and Ben |
A
CONVERSATION WITH JOANN |
Joann
was feeling comfortable, after having a pain-ridden afternoon the previous
day. She was lucid, and a little mellow
now that she was taking pain medication that had round the clock coverage. Her spirits were quite good as she began
speaking about the wonderful qualities she found so admirable in her husband
Jim. The summation was "he is
such a romantic", said in a very endearing way with her big
grin. She added: "I place my trust
totally in Jim." Joann
went on to share that she had found this struggle with cancer to be an opportunity to learn what is really important in life. She compared it to stories and books she had
read about other people who had developed similar philosophies as they also
battled to recover from devastating or terminal illnesses. One story was about a man who compared his
illness to a bag of gold … because the threat of death from his illness had
given him the chance to see what really mattered in this life. She was very clear that love is the most
important aspect of life. She had
concluded that the purpose of her life
was to love Jim. Looking back, I believe that she did
many things over that 18 months that show she was doing all she could to ease
his transition into life without her. Her
philosophy was very similar to that of Morrie Schwartz, the professor in
Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom.
She had read this popular book and hoped that Jim would watch the movie
with her if I could get a copy of it.
It was a made for TV movie, with Jack Lemmon playing Morrie. (I believe
I can get a copy from one of the nurses with whom I work.) She
spoke also about a few of the things that she still wanted to do -- one being
to write a book - Dancing with Life and Death. When I suggested getting started and using a
tape recorder, she did indicate that she had started, I believe on paper; and
that she had the concept in her mind. She
spoke a bit about end of life issues of self-determination. She trusted Jim as her Health Care
Agent. Yet she wanted to spare him the
"burden" of making those decisions.
She laid out a plan to hold a meeting with Dr. Grund, Dr. Eglowstein,
and Sister Lucille. The purpose was to
give herself the opportunity to hear their varied opinions on questions she
would raise. I encouraged her to just
give the word and we could ask for this to happen - she did not pick up on this
offer. I do believe that Joann knew the
seriousness of her prognosis, but still believed that she would have some time
to accomplish a few more things; and especially (as she had stated to me the
morning that she was admitted to AMC for the radiation therapy), to leave
Larissa at a later time, when Larissa would remember her more definitively. She
spoke about a woman who succumbed to cancer after a brief illness, even though
the statistics gave her a 95% chance of long-term survival. She felt that the difference between that
woman and herself (having beat the statistics so far), was her belief that she could overcome it.
She added two asides after that statement: "I know that might not
happen",... "And I can accept that" - with that comment her
mouth turned down and she seemed at the edge of crying. But she kept her composure. She then reminded me that most people in our
age bracket do not get time to anticipate their death and contemplate their
philosophy of life, as they often die suddenly and unexpectedly. Facing
this illness with such optimism and courage was something she had learned from
our mother. Joann said, "I saw her
going forward in the face of adversity; and I learned from her that you 'do
what you gotta do'." She inquired about how often I think of Mom now that
a few years have gone by since Mom's death. . She said that in her thoughts
directed to Mom she let her know that "I'm OK". She wished that Mom had had a chance to know
Jim and to enjoy Larissa. In
the afternoon of the same day, I tried to pick up the conversation again. I wanted to know more about what is really
important in her viewpoint. She started
a list - "Loving Jim, love for Larissa.”
She then took it into a more practical dimension with, "food, meal
planning, organizing, so that I can manage things better ... I've been lax
about this, that,” etc. She was in a
less contemplative state and also fatigued from the activities of the day. I
treasure the time I had with Joann, and especially this gift of sharing some of
her philosophy
of life with me. Ginny |